


His Last Words

by LyricIsHereUnfortunately



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Connor Murphy Tried and Failed, Connor Murphy Writes His Own Note, Crying, Cynthia Murphy Is a Good Mother, Cynthia Murphy needs a hug, Dead Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Graphic Description of Corpses, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Is a Bad Parent, Larry Murphy Cheats, Pain, References to Depression, Song fic, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Tears, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24167080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyricIsHereUnfortunately/pseuds/LyricIsHereUnfortunately
Summary: What if Connor wrote his own note?(Based off the song 'Her Last Words' by Courtney Parker)
Relationships: Connor Murphy & Cynthia Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	His Last Words

Cynthia Murphy sat at the kitchen table, a glass of wine in hand, and placed her head in her free hand. There was only one question on her mind.

What happened to her family?

Her husband was on a 'business trip', probably sleeping with his secretary. Her daughter was at her friend's house, just to get away from them. Her son was upstairs getting high. 

Her son...

He was an average child, she remembered that he was cheerful and happy for a short while. But then, he got older, colder. 

Life wasn't what he expected. Cynthia wishes she would've told him. Cynthia wishes she had paid more attention when he was younger. When he had told her he was down, she let it slip by. Just told him that everyone gets down and he would feel better eventually. 

When did he stop telling her?

It started with white lies, 'I'm alright'. That's what he said when he came home with red eyes and a blunt in his back pocket. 

Why couldn't she tell when his eyes went dull?

She could hear him crying himself at night, why didn't she say anything? She was a terrible mother. She was scared. 

When summer came by, all he wore was long sleeves. When they asked, he yelled at them. 

Cynthia knew he was depressed. She foolishly thought she could fix it. She just watched him go on, like a soldier with a battle wound. He was bleeding out from every cut his body consumed. 

He had no friends at school, though she begged him to make some. She hated the idea of her son sitting alone at lunch, never noticed. No one caring enough to save him from his self-hate. 

Her family was constantly going down, never up. They were all stuck in this stupid rut. Cynthia knew what she had to do next. She, somehow, needed to get her family help.

Cynthia took a sip of her wine, then placed it back down onto the counter. Her hands were shaking. 

A loud _Bang!_ sounded itself from above her head and she jumped. 

_Connor_.

She fumbles for her phone, rushing out of the room and gives the person on the other line her address, then throws her phone down. 

She trips over her feet in her rush to up the stairs and runs into her son's room, the worst running through her mind. She opens the closet, and her son hangs there, long legs just barely off the floor. 

She struggles with the knot for a moment, then it lets her son go. 

Cynthia falls to the floor with of her son, sobs racking her body. The image of the little boy she raised just hanging there is engraved in her mind. His body's pale and his face is violently bare. How could she let this happen?

She holds his hand, it's cold. Lifeless.

Hot tears run down her face, blurring her vision as it meets the sight of a piece of paper on the carpet next to her. 

Unfolding it with care, she stares at the still-bleeding words.

"How can this be fair?" She whispers to herself, tears rolling down her face. The first sentence, scratched out violently states: 

_~~Look at me now, are you proud of your precious child?~~ _

She chokes down another sob and keeps reading. 

_I'm sorry Mom but this world is just not my place._ _I've tried for so long to fix this and fit in._ _I've come to realize this world's full of sin._ _There's nothing for me here, I'm just a waste of space._ _I've got no reason to stay here with this awful race._

"You are not, baby. You are not." She tells him, even though he can't hear her.   
  
_It's a disgrace, I was misplaced._ _Born in the wrong time and in the wrong place._ _It's okay though, 'cause you'll see me soon._ _You'll know when your time has come, just look at the moon._

She looks out the window, the unforgiving face of the moon staring back at her, mocking her. She remembers when they would all go stargazing, Connor would do nothing but comment on the fact the moon was the best star and Larry would tell him that it wasn't even a star. Another sob shakes her body.  
  


_As it shines brightly throughout the night._ _And remember everyone's facing their own fight._ _But I can't deal with the pain, I'm not a fighter_

But he was. Every argument with his father, every puff of smoke, ever tear shed. She can see it now, it was all a fight against death. 

_You'll make it through the night, just hug your pillow tighter._

How could he have so much faith in her? She had failed him. 

  
  
_So let the world know, that I died in vain._ _'Cause the world around me, is the one to blame._ _And I know in a year, you'll forget I'm gone._ _'Cause I'm not really something to be dwelled on_

That's not true, god why couldn't she had told him before that it wasn't true? She will never go a day without thinking of him. Her beautiful boy.

  
_That's what they used to tell me, all those kids at school._ _So I'm going by the law, "majority rules"._ _My presence on this earth is not needed any longer._ _And if anything, I hope this makes you stronger_

This shouldn't have been what her son was thinking in his last moments. He shouldn't have been thinking that his death would do anything good. God, she felt sick. 

  
_You're the best friend that I ever had._ _It's such a shame I had to make you so very sad._ _But just remember that you meant everything to me._ _And to my heart, you're the only one that held the key_

"Oh, god." She cries. "My son, my beautiful boy." She places her hands on his chest. "Live, baby, live. Please."

  
_Now it's time to go, I'm running out of space to write._ _And yes I lost my fight, but please just hold on tight._ _I'm watching over you from the clouds above._ _And sending down the purest and whitest dove_

Doves were his favorite, she remembered. He used to draw them before he stopped trusting himself with pencils. God, there were so many signs. Why did she ignore them?

  
_To watch over you, and be my helpful eye_   
_So this is it, world, goodbye_

**Author's Note:**

> this idea has been stuck in my head since I first watched the bootleg


End file.
